Mitt Romney may deviate from his prepared remarks, good sense, and foundational truth.
Tonight, my friends, the people of Florida have spoken. And their voice has been loud and clear. From the intrepid shores of South Beach to the lush Everglades and from the family destination of Orlando to the panhandle where, frankly, I have always felt extremely at ease. We have heard what Florida has to say, and we have heard it in the many glorious languages this state has to offer, none of which in any way have anything to do with what I have heard is called a barrio.
And what these yahoos have said is that it doesn’t matter what I say as long as I’m running against Newt Gingrich.
Heck, I beat that angry little attack muffin by so much I could have talked about my own space program. Yeah, that’s right. To heck – literally – with Newt’s moon colony. I’ve got a planet picked out for the afterlife. The wife and I going to kick it in Kolob, which might be something many people in Florida and I have in common. We have planned our retirement, as it were. Might even put the dog crate on the outside of the rocket. Because if tonight’s election returns are any indication, my friends, it doesn’t matter what I say because I’m so handsome and lifelike.
This has been a stressful couple of weeks in Florida. I never really know what to say to people whom I can’t fire. And then my staff was worried about me releasing my tax returns so they had me doing “regular guy” stuff, like laundry. Did you see the picture of me doing my laundry at this hotel? It’s bad enough they’ve been making me wear dungarees. Now I have to separate the whites and coloreds. Heck, not even the Mormon church does that anymore. And did you know you need to put what are called “coins” into the machines to make them work? And that you can’t fire them if they don’t work? Did you know people actually carry coins around with them in denominations of less than a dollar? America is truly the land of the free and, it seems, the almost free.
See, that’s exactly the kind of stuff my handlers have been worried about me saying.
I would get so tense that I would end up saying the most ridiculous stuff, not that anyone noticed with me running against Newt, Santorum and RonPaulstilksten. “Banks aren’t bad people“? Really? I think I was trying to say “soup is good food.”
I have been trying my gosh-darndest to say what I think you want to hear, but there’s just never any knowing what I might say, let alone how you were going to react. Remember that time I volunteered that under Newt’s tax plan I would pay no taxes whatsoever, and I went up in the polls? Or how I tried to say I wasn’t trying to get out of taxes by having bank accounts in the Cayman Islands or Switzerland? Or when I lied about having my Freddie Mac investments in a blind trust? And how could I brag about how much I like to fire people when we have high unemployment, right?
I do think, my friends, that the secret to communicating with you is to utterly ignore what you think. No more getting to the left of Ted Kennedy on gay rights and to the right of Newt Gingrich on gay bashing. No more kowtowing to NARAL in Massachusetts and endorsing the personhood amendment in Mississippi. Clearly, we can all stop pretending.
All you really want is someone who can beat Obama, and that’s me. You take away killing Osama bin Laden, avoiding an economic depression, and saving the auto industry, and what has he really done besides regulate dangerous Wall Street practices and do more that any other president in history to expand health care while beginning to bring health care costs under control while making college loans cheaper? Clearly, he hates America. Me, I did the Olympics and made so much money as a venture capitalist it makes me hate capitalism.
So I believe the common practice is to drop this microphone as I proclaim, “I am going to go out of here now” in an energetic manner! Good evening to you all.